Adulting (?)

Hi there, dear reader :) This is going to be an unplanned, random, and unstructured post - just a disclaimer lol.

Today is the 8th of December, 2017 - 1:35 am. It's December. How and when in the hell did this happen? Man. 2017 has been a fucking journey and a half I tell ya. I am not even going to apologize for swearing because there's probably more where that came from. I feel like I have so much that I want to say, that I don't know where to start.

Okay, so let's establish my general state at this very point in my life:

School: Still in the first semester of year 3 of med school, doing different rotations. I like it. I have no regrets being here, I feel like I am where I'm supposed to be. I'm learning a lot, especially how to use critical thinking to diagnose a patient. I'm happy about that. Still not sure what specialty I wanna go into - as of now, Family Medicine is looking like a top contender, they have fixed working hours and can get to raise a family with more time to spend at home. I don't think I wanna go into surgery because I like outside (lol yes I just said that), and surgeons are indoors a lot, I've noticed.

About to practice drawing blood on each other lol

Mental Health - I am 100% off antidepressants and sleeping pills as of June-July 2017 (spending time with my family was the big leap of healing for me, which allowed me to finally wean off of them). I no longer feel sad and empty inside - THANK GOD. I feel full of joy, actually. I take pleasure in so many little things - as simple as buying good quality headphones that have bass (lord y'all don't know how bad headphones irk the fuuuuuk out of me). I enjoy food more, watching the sky, feeling the sun on my skin, watching a butterfly go by, dancing like a fool on my own in my dorm room. All of these things were darkened by depression, everything was black and white, now I see colors.

Physical Health - I started back going to the gym this semester, as soon as it re-opened. I have re discovered my love for exercise, after feeling like I didn't even know what I liked anymore. I had joined voleyball and football (soccer) last year just to try to figure out my interests. I was lost y'all. But, after returning from home this summer, I just had a new excitement for everything lol! After losing about 8 pounds last semester (again due to depression), I came back weighing more - can't beat island food man lol. At my lowest, last semester I weighed 123 lbs, Now I weigh 140! A lot of it is from building muscle at the gym, but I'm sure there's more fat too (hey there love handles) - and I really don't mind, actually! I feel quite body positive these days ☺

Ending of 2016 - I had lost a little weight
November 2016 - definitely lost weight here
October 2017 - regular appetite and gym

Relationship - I am single. After 6 years. No one person is to blame and it ended on a civil note. It's quite weird actually, being single after so long. Well, I'm getting much more used to it now, but as I mentioned - about this year being a fucking journey and a half - this is a major part of that fucking journey. I really had to ask myself the tough questions - what do I want? Is this the right choice? How do you know???! Y'all lol, ah boy. Soon after becoming single I felt like, okay, now what? Lol. Do I date? Do I take time for myself? I can do anything I want, really lol. When I just came back from St. Lucia, I made it a point to spend time alone, to learn how to be independent again. So I would take myself out to different places, walk around, read. Other times I'd go out with my group of friends to parties and different places. Just allowing myself to enjoy my life, be in the moment, be present. *Quick side note - when people (cough, men) find out you're single, gat damnm they go iiiiin. Not for me, not yet, well not for relationship. Flirting - si (what? don't judge me)
*side side note - how do people date? I don't think I was meant to date more than one person at a time lol it's a lot y'all

self date

self date 

pool partaaayyyyyy

dinner with frandss

I never, in a million years, thought I would experience heartbreak (naive I know), but I did. It is fucking horrible and confusing. It is a whirlwind of emotions and uses a lot of brain space and energy. However, I got through the other side. Of course thanks to my best friend, and also my sister, who listened to all of my confusion.

In a way I feel like I missed out on my whole second year of school, although I completed it. Since my mental health was not the best, I feel like I didn't really experience second year. Weird, I know

I sometimes ask myself, is this really what adulting is? Like, dafuq? Things are much more serious than they were when I was a teenager lol (I know what you're thinking.. these damned millennials expect everything to be easy. STFU). I guess this is what it is. No one said adulting is easy right? It's like it just hit me like a ton of bricks. Crawling out of depression has made me mature so much more and given me a new, more positive perspective on life - mainly because of some of the tools I used to encourage myself - i.e. a LOT of TED talks, some texts from the Bible, talking to my sister and bestie, mindfulness and meditation, positive affirmations, motivational videos on YouTube, etc.

So, this is where I am right now. 24 year old third year medical school student, living in Taiwan. But I believe that I am so much more than just that. I am a woman, strong, funny, intelligent, silly. I am an artist (I have an eye for photography), athlete, singer (kinda sorta? lol), dancer, spreader of smiles, hugger, giver of compliments. I am a listener first, talker second. I am independent. I am compassionate, kind, but savage when necessary lol. I am confident.

Well sheit. Quite a lengthy post, huh? I guess I found some way to make it orderly and easy to follow instead of rambling on and on lol. To whomever is reading this, even if it's one person, please be encouraged. Whatever fucked up shit you're going through right now it will not last forever. You will find a way through. I thought I'd never see the end of depression, but here I am living life hunty! Yaas!

Thank you for reading this mess LOL. I have realized that I just post when my heart needs to vent. I have stopped thinking about posting regularly, and just when I feel the need to.

Love, light and blessings to all ♥

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