Decisions, Decisions

We all have these "what am I even doing at school" moments. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Well,  I'm having one as we speak. I feel like exams are taking over my existence and creeping into all the aspects of my life, leaving me a social wreck (I have already made it official that I do not have a social life).

I feel like my thoughts are jumbled up, I don't even know where I'm going with this post...

I fee like I owe everything to my parents, especially my father. This man has given all that he can to make SURE I got to go to university, a privilege he never had. This is a debt I feel like I can never pay back. (excuse my emotional ness, this is bringing me to actual tears). He has been working tirelessly as a man even before he married my mother, had my sister, had me, my little sister, and he works tirelessly to this day. He is my inspiration and my hero.

As of late, the topic of "what are you doing after you graduate" have been coming up left, right, and center. Most times I say "i don't know" because, frankly I DO NOT KNOW, and I feel like somewhat of a failure because I don't have my ish together. My country has this scholarship program going on that offers scholarships to Taiwan, yes friggin TAIWAN.

Just so you could see what I'm dealing with:

My initial plans were to go to med school, but I sometimes doubt my abilities as a scholar as to whether i'm in over my head with that dream. I'm not a 4.0 student per se, and i'm not an over achiever as many people I know are. I feel like that's a trait you need to make it through med school (of course I could be wrong), but its a competitive field, of which I don't feel like I fit in.

However, getting a scholarship would make it easier to realize that my dream could actually come to reality, but at some cost. What do I mean? WELLLLL, there's the boyfriend aspect, I might have to NOT see him for 4+ years (I don't know if he's up for long distance and i'm afraid to bring up the topic again because I know he doesn't want to stand in the way of my goals), family too. I wont get to actually see my little sister grow up, be there as a shoulder when she needs it, be with my family, which is the most important thing in this life to me.

But as I said it IS a good opportunity, assuming I even get through of course. My dad called and told me to see if I could get through applying and stuff. He really wants me to get the scholarship. I mean I owe him this much to try. He has sacrificed so much for my sisters and I to have a good life, and to keep us happy.

I have the rest of the year to sort out my emotions on this one, and I'm going to apply for the scholarship early next year if its still available. Sigh, I wish my boyfriend and family could just move with me if I go.
This is all a part of life's big journey I guess. Plus I have a cousin in Taiwan now, and he says its actually cool over there, so I feel comforted by that. So for now, that's the plan for my future.

Lord this post is long. Anywho, thanks for reading if u made it till the end. ♥

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