Monday, 14 July 2014

Thoughts at 2:11 a.m

You know one of those late night overthinking sessions we all have from time to time? Yeah, I'm having one as we speak. As my mind rambles on (about my entire life/existence, pretty much), I came to thinking about how I think that I sometimes don't put my BEST into things that I do.

Let's backtrack for a little, shall we? yeah? OK.

Attending primary school (or elementary school as some may say), I was a smart kid, if I do say so myself. Granted, I don't think that Math has ever been my area, but I do alright. So much so that I used to always place in the top two students for several semesters.

However, this reality began to change once I got into secondary (high) school, where there was more "competition", for lack of a better word. It was never a dramatic transition to realize that I may not be as "smart" as I thought, but the realization of me having to step up my game was a bit haunting. To be clear, I was not competing with any of the students who were scoring higher than me, I just wanted to be able to be in the top two again, something that I was used to.


I may be thinking about it too deeply, like on some psychological level, but I think that in that stage in my life (secondary school years), I gradually stopped challenging myself to aim for the top two, and was settling for passing my subjects instead...doing well, yes, but passing was the goal.

Fast forward to University, and this mentality has stuck with me throughout the beginning years of me doing my Undergrad. My first couple of years, I didn't know what studying truly meant. In doing all of this, I sometimes used to compare myself with other students in my year, who were pushing extra time after classes, staying late, doing group studies (which, from experience I kindof hate), and just subconsciously ask myself why I wasn't pushing that hard, too. I never really tried to push hard until the beginning of my third year till now, that's when I began to REALLY study and understand and not just try to remember things and regurgitate.

Whats my point you may ask?

In my limited knowledge of psychology, and my trying-to-piece-it-all-together overthinking brain, here's what I came up with:

• I think that realizing I wasn't as highly ranked as I used to be, and not being in the top 2, 3, or even 4 sometimes made me take a step back, and eventually get comfortable with not putting my ALL into my work and not trying my hardest

• It made me lazy, come to think of it

• This attitude is still with me today. Even when I've studied hard, I don't think I have, because I'm so used to my lazy-ish studying mindset, that only now am I trying to make up for it

• I am not an over achiever. Trust me. I can settle for B's and C's (-_-) when they come (and they do come)

• I wanna be better than this. Not an obsessive student, but a better one

That's all I got for now. I really hope I made sense to someone, and that you can relate in some small way.\
I do think that I've improved and I'm proud of myself for it ^_^

Anywho it's BED time! Or was, a few hours ago, but hey, no judgement lol.

See yall next post ♥